


Where you lead

by woodsong_1978 (Vae)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Afterlife, Character Death, M/M, bangsian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 18:39:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vae/pseuds/woodsong_1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dying doesn't mean leaving Serenity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where you lead

**Author's Note:**

> First post for my [](http://au-abc.livejournal.com/profile)[**au_abc**](http://au-abc.livejournal.com/) [table](http://woodsong-1978.livejournal.com/14415.html#cutid1) (scroll down). Bangsian, for those who don't know, means this fic is set partly in the afterlife. Xiexie to [](http://lvs2read.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://lvs2read.livejournal.com/)**lvs2read** for the speedy beta and for weeping all over this.

Always figured I'd be the one to go first, of the two of us. Worked hard at keeping Simon safe. After all, weren't no one else could patch him up if he managed to get shot on a job. That, and I just plain didn't want him near danger. Man was too precious to me to risk that way. Not just for that big brain of his that kept on coming up with strategies for heists, either. Sometimes I thought Simon was born to be a criminal. After all, his first attempt at law breaking involved conning his way into a secure Alliance facility and sneaking out with a girl they placed great value on. If that girl hadn't turned out to be his sister, I'd've been jealous of his devotion to her.

No, reason Simon's safety was important to me was that I loved him. Could be that should be love him, present and continuing, 'cause it sure ain't changed just 'cause I died. Little thing like death can't stop love. 

He came to me first about a week after River was killed. Thought to start with that he came for revenge, blamed me for taking her out on the job, but he knew her better than that. Knew there was no way of making her decisions for her once she was set on a thing. Didn't stop me blaming myself, though I know now she don't blame me. Matter of fact, told me she did the math, and it was better for her to die that day. Could be she's right. Glad of her company, truth to tell. She don't get tired of me talking about her brother. I don't get tired of listening to her tell me the tales of childhood he never got round to. The both of us never get tired of watching over him. Book ain't too pleased with us, says we should move on from earthly things. River just gives him her spiel about how Simon's not on earth. Me, I ain't never moving on long as my angel's still in the land of the living. Think maybe that should be the ship of the living?

We had our time together, and I'll give thanks to any deity that happens by for those four years. Weren't a smooth journey, not by no measure. Had our share of griefs and misunderstandings, of jealousy and fights. Made me appreciate the rest more - the stolen sweet moments, the exhilaration of pulling of jobs together, the relief of reunion after those jobs, the making up after fights, the lovemaking, the fucking, the making out in the lounge and the fun of seeing Jayne's face when he found us there. Damn near sat on me before he saw us. Yeah, Simon and me had plenty of good times to balance the bad. The man even broke me of the habit of searching for fights each U-Day. Gave me something better to do. I loved Simon with everything I had, and he gave that love back to me more times over than I can count.

Conjure it shouldn't have been a shock to me that he took my job after I died. Poor fellow didn't even let himself grieve at first, just stood there over my body, got Jayne to return the killing favor and talked the payment out of the contact. Couldn't use his own name to register the vessel next time the paperwork was due of course, but he's smart, my man. Worked with Kaylee to hack the central databases. Did I mention ambitious, too? Won't accept there's anything impossible in the 'verse. Got himself registered as a dead man. No more Doctor Simon Tam. He took himself my name, like I'd always wanted to ask him to. Serenity was still being flown by Captain Reynolds, only now it was Captain Simon Reynolds. Zoë did her best to keep him safe for me, went out and met contacts, did deals, worked the jobs he planned. Jayne kicked up some at first, but Simon's got this attitude and this voice and this way of putting things dragged Jayne into line. That and Zoë's backing and the fact that Simon as captain brought more money in than I ever did. Ain't jealous of that. Just makes me proud, to see him learning from mistakes I made. 

Yeah, I always figured I'd be the one to go first. Watching him and seeing how he managed to make my crew a family again almost makes me wish he could have longer with them.

***

I never thought about the possibility of Mal dying. It was never a matter of who would die first, it was just ... he was so alive, and when we were together, he made me feel more alive than I'd ever been before. I never really believed he could ever die. He seemed immortal, larger than life. I'd brought him back from so many wounds that should have killed him. I'm still not sure what happened, if we were careless, or ... no use speculating now. Even with my surgical skills kept honed by Mal's crew, there was no way I could heal him of a bullet to the brain.

I think I went into shock when he died. Wash told me afterwards that I'd taken one look at Mal's body and immediately started negotiating to finish the job. It was Mal's job, and it needed finishing so ... I finished it. It was a week after the funeral that Kaylee found me searching the ship for him. She said that I asked her when he'd be back, and I wouldn't believe her when she told me he was dead. It took Zoë and Jayne together to take me down. When I came back to myself, I was in Inara's shuttle. Inara's always denied any training in counselling, but she helped me deal with his loss. I believe she felt it just as strongly. Certainly she was always glad of the chance to talk about him, and there were times I just had to speak to someone else who'd loved him. Sometimes Kaylee joined us. Zoë never spoke of him again, and Wash followed her lead for fear of hurting her. Jayne, well ... Jayne is Jayne. 

For a while, Serenity drifted without him. She felt empty. Hollow. I didn't mean to step into Mal's shoes as her captain, but there wasn't anyone else to do it. Jayne doesn't think fast enough, and Zoë? Well, Zoë would make a fine officer, and she does, but she wants someone to follow. She decided that someone would be me, and didn't give me much choice in the matter. Of course, Serenity couldn't be captained by a fugitive, so Inara and Kaylee helped me construct a new identity and bury the old one. I'd wondered about a new identity since River died, but there never seemed to be any need, since Mal kept me cocooned away. We fought about that, sometimes. I told him that I didn't need to be kept safe, but he always seemed to have more reasons for protecting me than I had for not needing protection. Well, that's not relevant, now. Dr. Simon Tam is as dead as Captain Malcolm Reynolds, and in his place stands Captain Simon Reynolds. I hoped that Mal wouldn't mind me stealing his name. God knows I've stolen enough other things, since. I wanted something of him with me, always. I'd wanted to marry him and take his name that way, but of course fugitives and criminals can't marry unless they want to spend their honeymoon in jail in separate cells. Plus, it made the paperwork easier if Serenity continued to be flown by Captain Reynolds. 

I first went to him the night of River's funeral, six years ago now. He thought I'd come to blame him, but I hadn't. I knew River was unstoppable, once she learned to deal with the changes in her brain and how they affected her. Then he thought I came for comfort. I hadn't. I'd wanted to be with Mal for a long time. He was the flame to my moth, bright and strong and hot - and dangerous. I'd always needed to be there for River, and I didn't have enough to offer anyone else at the same time. In a way, even as it broke me, her death freed me: it let me offer the whole of myself at last. Thankfully Mal accepted that offer, and offered me himself in turn. I've never regretted that exchange.

I loved him more than I can say. I still do. Being here, on his ship, with his crew - my crew, now - was both comfort and torment to me. Every room and corridor held a memory of him. In the cargo bay, he watched. In the dining area, when we laid plans, he was there, reminding me never to trust too far, and always have a plan B. In the lounge, he was laughing at Jayne. The only place he was never with me after that day was in our bed. On the loneliest nights, I went to the bridge to find him. Wash always knew why I was there. He just set the autopilot and left to find Zoë. On those nights, the blackest nights, I envied them each other.

We had nearly four years together. Four years of passion and fighting and making up. Four years of waiting for him to come back from jobs, never knowing which one would be the last. Four years of sharing my life, my body, my bed, and my heart with the most incredible man I ever met. Four years of working alongside him, of watching him. It wasn't enough. It wasn't just his way of inspiring loyalty in those who followed him, it wasn't even the way I loved him with everything I had and more. He was my captain, he was my lover, my partner, he was ... Mal. So very Mal.

I could never run the crew the way Mal did. Oh, we managed, somehow. Zoë and Jayne went out and actually did the jobs, sometimes with Wash, but they continued to keep me tucked away on Serenity most of the time. Keeping Jayne from mutiny was a constant battle at first, but Zoë's support and large amounts of cash seemed to settle him. I couldn't run the jobs Mal did, either. I'm not as strong as he was. I don't have his nobility, and sometimes when we found out the more unpleasant details of some of the jobs we were offered, I wondered if he would refuse to take them. If he's disappointed that I did. I don't have his ruthlessness, either, but I did have Zoë. I can't shoot the way that he did, but I did have Jayne. Sometimes I think that Zoë, Wash and Kaylee captained the ship between them. I made the plans and the decisions, but they told me what needed doing. Kaylee and Inara between them held Serenity and me together. I couldn't have done it without every one of them, even Jayne. They're more than crew. They're family. They almost made up for his loss. 

Of course, the day came when Mal was proved right. When someone shoots the doctor, there's no one to patch him together again. Badger was always a thorn in my side, but I'd never expected him to drop his affectation of being a gentleman far enough to plant a bullet there. Jayne finally got his wish; he'd been wanting to kill Badger for a long time. Inara muttered something about medical facilities, but we all knew that wasn't an option. Even with a new name, I couldn't alter my DNA. Zoë did her best to treat me, but field training can only take things so far. I couldn't even tell her what to do. I'd lost too much blood. She knows, anyway. She'll keep them together, keep them flying.

It's not so hard to leave, after all. They don't need me any more. Wait for me, Mal, my captain, my love. I'm coming.


End file.
